The best names in the 2022 NFL Draft from Cal Adomitis to Bailey Zappe

There’s no better source for name hoards than Dane Brugler’s voluminous NFL Draft column, The Beast. These are the loot.


Most likely Chris Bermanisms

13. Chauncey Manac “Monday” (Edge, Louisiana)

12. Cal Adomitis “touches” (LS, Pittsburgh)

11. De’Montre “the ‘Tuggle’ is real” (RB, Ohio)

ten. Jordan Happle “seed” (S, Oregon)

9. Matt “OK” Corral (QB, Ole Miss)

8. Cole Strange “Bedmates” (C, Chattanooga)

7. Gerrit Prince “of thieves” (TE, UAB)

6. Common Denominator Russ Yeast (S, Kansas State)

5. Drake “Werewolves of” London (WR, USC)

4. Marquan McCall “Maybe Me” (DT, Kentucky)

3. Markell Utsey “Daisy” (DT, Arkansas)

2. Matt Waletzko “fly a kite” (T, North Dakota)

1. Kaleb “Hillbilly” Eleby (QB, Western Michigan)


Most likely to be drafted by a team in Florida

1. Ponce Deleon (S, Berger)


Most likely Charles Barkley’s nickname in Paris

2. Trey Gross (WR, Delaware State)

1. LeCharles Pringle (WR, Alcorn State)


Most likely to have little brother syndrome

1. Nicholas Little Brother (T, Ohio State)


Best names for the job

3. LB Mack (LB, Rhode Island)

2. Jawon Pass (QB, Prairie View A&M)

1. Duce Sproles (RB, Henderson State)


Most likely to be described as “electric”

1. Benjie Franklin (BC, Tarleton State)


Most likely to eat Christmas pie

1. Jack Koerner (S, Iowa)


Most likely to be scrawled on a bathroom stall

1. Devontay Love-Taylor (G, Florida State)


Most likely to accumulate crows

1. Mike Rose (LB, Iowa State)


Most likely to collect sneakers

1. Mike Hicks (S, Fort Valley State)


Better imagine being told by the members of A Tribe Called Quest

1. Kenny Pickett (QB, Pittsburgh)


The funniest jokes

15. Nick Ford (C, Utah)

14. Justin Rigg (TE, Kentucky)

13. Bryan Cook (S, Cincinnati)

12. Braxton Jones (T, southern Utah)

11. Tobias Little (RB, Missouri State)

ten. Jack Wohlabaugh (C, Duke)

9. Roy Baker (BC, Eastern Kentucky)

8. JoJo Domann (LB, Nebraska)

7. Wall of Titus (S, State of Missouri)

6. Lee Pitts (BC, Sioux Falls)

5. Jalen Nailor (WR, Michigan State)

4. Mitchell Brinkman (TE, South Florida)

3. Nicholas Lenners (TE, Kansas State)

2. Tucker Fisk (TE, Stanford)

1. Martin Foray (S, Saint Francis)


The worst person to share a locker with

1. Dave Jones (BC, Weber State)


Best sung with a Pearl Jam vocal

1. Jaylil Bannerman (Edge, Utah State)


Best nickname for a surfer male pig

1. Brodarious Hamm (T, Auburn)


The worst names to have had in college

7. Gabe Bautz (G, Northwest State of Missouri)

6. Caleb Bonner (LB, Arkansas State)

5. Nolan Cockrill (DT, Army)

4. Cameron Dicker (K, Texas)

3. Timmy Horne (DT, Kansas State)

2. Jeremiah Baltrip (BC, SE Oklahoma State)

1. Kalil Pimpleton (WR, Central Michigan)


The worst person to hire for your wedding

3. Thayer Munford (G, Ohio State)

2. Api Mane (G, Florida international)

1. DJ Stubbs (WR, Freedom)


Best Romance Novel Objects of Desire

13. Leddy French II (S, Angelo State)

12. Anthony Clayton (Edge, Georgia Tech)

11. Hawk Wimmer (G, Air Force)

ten. Peyton Hendershot (TE, Indiana)

9. Tariqious Tisdale (Edge, Ole Miss)

8. Cole Fotheringham (TE, Utah)

7. Sincere McCormick (RB, Texas-San Antonio)

6. Bennett Dondoyano (WR, San Diego)

5. Lance Deveaux (LB, Northern Illinois)

4. Jax Kincaide (RB, West Michigan)

3. Valentino Daltoso (T, CA)

2. Vic Viramontes (LB, UNLV)

1. Devanaire Conliffe (WR, Notre Dame, Ohio)


Best Backup Plan

1. Justin Chase (G, East Carolina)


Most likely to appear in science fiction

30. Bailey Zappe (QB, Western Kentucky)

29. Marcelino McCrary-Ball (S, Indiana)

28. Pugs Platel (BC, South Carolina)

27. Imoni Donadelle (WR, Northwest Missouri State)

26. Qwuantrezz Knight (S, UCLA)

25. Ubong Udom (Edge, Eastern Kentucky)

24. Changa Hodge (WR, Virginia Tech)

23. La’Kendrick Van Zandt (S, TCU)

22. Niko Mermigas (S, Dartmouth)

21. Tighe Beck (TE, Assumption)

20. Jequez Ezzard (WR, Sam Houston State)

19. Quardraiz Wadley (RB, UTEP)

18. Hezekiah Grimsley (WR, Hampton)

17. Bydarrius Knighten (S, Auburn)

16. Chima Dunga (DT, Central State of Missouri)

15. Nowoola Awopetu (S, Villanova)

14. Phazione McClurge (WR, Indiana State)

13. Ty Fryfogle (WR, Indiana)

12. Cyrus Habibi-Likio (RB, Boise State)

11. Xander Gagnon (LB, Northern Colorado)

ten. Jalik Jaggwe (WR, William Jewell)

9. Ralfs Rusins ​​(DT, Freedom)

8. Dahu Green (WR, Arkansas State)

7. US Keobounnam (C, State of Oregon)

6. Keric Wheatfall (WR, Fresno State)

5. Elorm Lumor (LB, Towson)

4. Kader Kohou (CB, Texas A&M Commerce)

3. Zeno Hannibal (BC, Louisiana Tech)

2. Cordale Flott (CB, LSU)

1. ZeVeyon Furcron (G, southern Illinois)


Nastiest backhanded compliment

1. Stone Smartt (QB, Former Dominion)


The rudest way to describe going out

1. Chasen Hines (G, LSU)


Most likely front of a Jimmy Buffett cover band

1. Jimmy Burchett (G, Notre Dame, Ohio)


Best Teammate Adjustments

6. Dylan Parham (C, Memphis) and Dylan Parham (TE, NC State)

5. Zach Tom (C, Wake Forest) and Zach Thomas (G, San Diego State)

4. Smoke Monday (S, Auburn) and Ian Fryday (TE, Adams State)

3. Smoke Monday and Blaise Andries (G, Minnesota)

2. Smoke Monday and Anthony Budd (S, Monmouth)

1. Casey Williams (Edge, Stony Brook) and Joe Joe Headen (CB, Old Dominion)


The Worst Teammate Adjustments

1. Chase Pine (LB, Pittsburgh) and Bryce Notree (LB, southern Illinois)


Great for swapping an ‘R’

1. Karl Mofor (RB, Army) and Ben Stille (DT, Nebraska)


the most poetic

9. Kolby Harvell-Peel (S, Oklahoma State)

8. JT Wahee (S, Ball State)

7. Donovan McDonald (WR, Albany)

6. Nick Sink (C, Ohio)

5. Hauati Pututau (DT, Utah)

4. Cody Rudy (FB, Ball State)

3. Nasir Greer (S, Wake Forest)

2. Amon Simon (T, Texas A&M Commerce)

1. Rashid Shaheed (WR, Weber State)


Best Names for a Professional Wrestler

18. Reid Jürgensmeier (WR, Morningside)

17. Tomon Fox (LB, North Carolina)

16. Yusuf Corker (S, Kentucky)

15. Vitaliy Gurman (C, Toledo)

14. Chris Steele (BC, USC)

13. Luiji Vilain (Edge, Wake Forest)

12. Grayson Gunter (TE, southern Mississippi)

11. Cazz Martin (RB, Minnesota-Duluth)

ten. Milton Bugg III (CB, Air Force)

9. Skyy Moore (WR, West Michigan)

8. Woo Scott Jr. (DT, Eastern Michigan)

7. Divine Messiah (RB, Wagner)

6. Slade Bolden (WR, Alabama)

5. Joey Noble (Edge, New Mexico)

4. Adam Sparks (BC, Louisiana-Monroe)

3. Baer Hunter (C, Appalachian State)

2. Big Kat Bryant (Edge, UCF)

1. Alex Wright (Edge, UAB)


Best Heard spoken by Arnold Schwarzenegger

5. Zein Obeid (T, Ferris State)

4. Keke Chism (WR, Missouri)

3. Erik Krommenhoek (TE, USC)

2. Max Bortenschlager (QB, Florida International)

1. Kameron Toomer (Edge, NV)


Better Heard spoken by Sean Connery

8. Alvinoski LaFleur (S, Eastern Michigan)

7. Jordan Ighofose (G, Grambling)

6. Sage Doxtater (T, New Mexico State)

5. Levi Falck (WR, Nebraska)

4. Qwynnterrio Cole (S, Louisville)

3. Jamal Holloway (Edge, Central State)

2. Samuel Womack (BC, Toledo)

1. Shaq Bond (S, Utah State)


The best baseball players

6. Tre Turner (WR, Virginia Tech)

5. Ben Davis (LB, Texas)

4. David Bell (WR, Purdue)

3. Josh Johnson (WR, Tulsa)

2. Michael Young Jr. (WR, Cincinnati)

1. Kevin Brown (RB, Incarnate Verb)


The best basketball players

6. Bryan Cook (S, Cincinnati)

5 (tie). Isaiah Thomas (Edge, Oklahoma) and Isaiah Thomas (CB, UC-Davis)

4. Mark Jackson (Edge, Western New Mexico)

3. Dennis Johnson (DT, Grand Valley State)

2. Coby Bryant (CB, Cincinnati)

1. Chris Paul (G, Tulsa)


best soccer players

2. Darius Philon (WR, Benedict)

1. Stephen Davis (LB, North Carolina A&T)


The worst soccer player

1. Seth Green (WR, Houston)


The most prestigious high schools

3. Lake Desdamon (S, Dominican Ohio)

2. Logan Hall (Edge, Houston)

1. Bishop McDonald (S, Minnesota)


Most Obvious Witness Protection Names

4. Brandon Bowling (WR, Utah State)

3. TieNeal Martin (S, Tulsa)

2. Andrew Parchment (WR, Florida State)

1. Ricky Person Jr. (RB, NC State)


Best Phrases

6. Cameron Dukes (QB, Lindsey Wilson)

5. Runner (P, Washington)

4. Najee Reams (S, North Carolina A&T)

3. Jay Rose (TE, Connecticut)

2. Michael Roots (RB, Colorado State-Pueblo)

1. Darrian Beavers (LB, Cincinnati)


Most likely to sell off-brand glue

1. Will Ulmer (C, Marshall)


Bonnie Tyler’s Most Wanted

1. Bobby Deharo (G, UTEP)

(Smoke Monday photo: Michael Chang/Getty Images)

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